I can't be with you
by Fantony
Summary: "Torn between passion and guiltiness. Not knowing where they were heading, or knowing too well they were going nowhere. He knew this was going to break him sooner or later, but he was drawn to Harry like a moth to fire." Slash. HPDM


_"So they hid themselves. And lied. And loved. Over, and over. Torn between passion and guiltiness. Not knowing where they were heading, or knowing too well they were going nowhere. He knew this was going to break him sooner or later, but he was drawn to Harry like a moth to the fire." Slash. HPDM._

**Note:**_ The title comes from the Cranberries song. _

**Disclaimer**: _Do I need to mention Harry and Draco are not mine? *sigh*_

_Please keep in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!_

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><p><strong>I CAN'T BE WITH YOU<strong>

**CHAPTER 1**.

"Ginny and I... We... we're getting married…"

Every word resonates in his head like a hammer blow against a concrete wall. Everything becomes blurry around him, and he doesn't even feel the hot tea burning his lips, his tongue, his oesophagus. He is blind. He is deaf.

"Draco?"

The voice seems to come from far away, as though he was under water and someone was calling him from the surface. And the water is cold. So cold. And he's not even sure he'll be able to swim back to the surface.

He startles and looks up. Their eyes meet briefly but he knows that if he looks too intently into those damned green eyes, he'll only break down and cry. So he tries to focus on something else. The drop of water running down the teapot, the flames dancing in the chimney as Autumn's already here, and cold, that crack on the wood floor which seems bigger every day, whatever. His eyes finally fall on Harry's unbuttoned collar shirt, revealing the porcelain skin of his chest. His fingers still played on that chest no later than yesterday. On that skin he had learnt by heart over the last few months. Every freckle. Every beauty spot. Every little scar.

His hands shaking a little, he sets his empty cup of tea back on the saucer and lets out a long sigh.

"We both knew this was bound to happen," Harry finally speaks, almost absently. "We knew we had to end this one day..."

Of course he knew. He's always had. From their first kiss five months ago, till their last one just yesterday. And he's still glad he got much more than he could ever have hoped for. But Ginny was there before him. She's always been there. Harry never lied to him. He made no promises. He never let him believe that one day, he'd choose him over her and that they would live their love out loud. That was the deal. Not waiting for too much, just taking what the other has to offer. And that's exactly what he did. He knew this was going to break him sooner or later, but he was drawn to Harry like a moth to the fire. Knowing he would burn his wings if he came too close, yet unable to pull himself together.

He had kept his love for Harry secret for so long. People wouldn't have understood anyway. He was supposed to be Harry's long time enemy. Life is full of surprises. The truth is he has always been in love with Harry, although it took him a long time to admit it to himself. And he made everything he could to catch Harry attention, even though it ended with Harry hating him. That still was better than being ignored.

They learnt to know each other better after the final battle four years ago and eventually became friends. Draco tried his best to hide his feelings. But Harry visited him more and more often and it was soon obvious that there was something going on. Something that grew stronger through the years and the tension between them became so intense that they couldn't ignore their feelings anymore. He had never thought it would be possible one day. Until that kiss. A short kiss on lips. Clumsy yet sweet. On an April evening, exactly five months from today.

It could have been the beginning of a beautiful story, full of hopes and dreams, of complicity and comprehension, of joy and shared pain, of long talks around the fireplace and passion under the moon, as unpredictable as a rollercoaster ride. It could have been all that, and much more, if only someone hadn't already won Harry's heart. Ginny Weasley.

She and Harry had moved together just after the war, and they were planning to get married, have kids, grow old together. But despite Ginny, Harry couldn't fight against his feelings anymore. That first kiss made the last barrier that separated him from Draco fall, and it was then too late to step back. They didn't want to, anyhow.

So they hid themselves. And lied. And loved. Over, and over. Torn between passion and guiltiness. Not knowing where they were heading, or knowing too well they were going nowhere. Shamefully savouring each single stolen moment, probably never enough, until life separates them, because the truth is that neither of them was strong enough to put an end to this.

"When?" He asks, still avoiding Harry's gaze.

"February.14," Harry mumbles. "Ginny's choice," he hastens to add, as if it would make a difference.

Draco remembers that talk they once had about Valentine's day, and how he had made fun of Harry about that. But he couldn't care less about Valentine's day. Any day of the year would have hurt just the same.

There is a long and heavy silence during which Harry nervously taps his fingers on the arm of the chair. After a while, he clears his throat and opens his mouth, then closes it again, not knowing what he should say. Draco senses Harry's helpless quest for words and finally breaks the silence.

"So, this is it, huh?" He says, with a sad smile that doesn't convince Harry at all. "This is the part where I'm supposed to say _Goodbye, Harry. I wish you and the Weasley girl all the best."_

"We can skip that chapter," Harry offers with a fake smile.

"Sure..." Draco smirks bitterly, "let's skip it to the next one_. That doesn't change anything, we're still friends._"

Harry bites his lower lip.

"You don't believe a word of it, do you?"

"You're wrong... It certainly changes a lot of things Harry, but we're still friends."

Harry would love to believe this, but he can already feel the gap between them and he knows it will only grow bigger. Things are not the same. Things _can't_ be the same. They just can't erase five months of their life and pretend nothing's ever happened between them.

"Then tell me I'm not already losing you," Harry's voice is almost pleading.

"You're not, and you won't." _Without you, I'd be nothing._ "I need you in my life, one way or another, and I'd rather be your friend than be nothing at all. I just need time to learn how to be 'just a friend' again... So, just don't choose me as best man, Potter, cause I'd probably flunk my speech," he says sarcastically.

No reply.

"Merlin, Harry! Don't tell me that's what you were actually thinking of?"

Harry glances away with embarrassment.

"Fuck!" Draco yells, standing up and making his way to the window.

He grits his teeth and clenches his fists in anger.

"It's okay... You... you don't have to... I understand..." Harry mumbles.

"No..." Draco shakes his head in disbelief and turns back to Harry. "You don't... You _can't _understand... You have no idea what I feel like..."

His voice is rough and his eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

"I don't know... I thought I was prepared... I thought it would be easier but... "

He draws his teeth into his lower lip, something he does whenever he wants to keep the tears from falling.

"Draco... I love you. I really do. But you know I can't be with you..."

"Says who?" Draco asks in a broken voice, finally looking directly into Harry's eyes.

"I'd better go..." Harry whispers.

_Please, don't. Don't go. Don't leave me... _

Draco nods, watching the man he loves stepping away from him, wishing there still was something he could do or say that would make Harry change his mind and stay, but not a single word leaves his mouth. He doesn't move. He is paralyzed. Frozen. Empty.

Empty.

"Will you be ok?" Harry asks, turning around as his hand reaches the doorknob.

The question takes the blonde by surprise. This is such an absurd question. Hell no, he will not be ok. His eyes fill with tears. He doesn't want to let them fall. He can't. Not now. Not after having fought so hard. He doesn't want Harry to think he is not as strong as he's always claimed to be. He doesn't want Harry to know the pain is so big he wishes he were dead. But it's too late. Tears silently roll down his face, twinkling like diamonds on his cheeks.

"Draco... Don't cry... Not for me... I'm not worth it... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." Harry murmurs, his voice barely audible.

"Don't be. That's just the way things are supposed to be. Don't they say _Two's company, three's a crowd_?"

Shaking his head, Harry closes the distance between them. Draco gasps at his touch. Harry's hand caressing his cheek feels like a burning and his lips are dangerously close to his. He can feel the brunette's breath against his face. It smells of pumpkin juice. He closes his eyes. One last time. Tasting Harry's silky lips and the fire of his kiss. One last time... A proper goodbye...

No.

This would just make things even more difficult. For both of them.

"You should go back to your fiancée. She must be waiting for you," he says drily, stepping back and wiping his tears away with the back of his hand.

Surprised by the unexpected turn of the events, Harry looks like a lost puppy and he has to fight the urge to hug him. But he must not touch him. He must not tell him how he feels. Never again. He doesn't want to be an obstacle to Harry's happiness. From now on, Harry is definitely a forbidden fruit.

"Let go, Harry. And I'll do the same..."

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><p><em><span>Thanks for your time! Reviews are welcome!<span>__ :)_


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